Posted in Mental Health

reflections on empowerment (haibun)

A story keeps sneaking to the forefront of her consciousness. For 2 hours he talked about his plan that could be accessible anytime he wanted.   The scary thing about it was that he could make it look like an accident and no one would ever be the wiser. Writing about it today actually appeases her compared to last week. His plan scared her for days, lingering in the back of her mind but now she sees it more as his survival…empowering him.  He now has a choice, whether he executes it or not, and that, may be something he never had growing up…a choice.

Some young adults may finally have a chance to feel what it is like to be free from the clutches of their oppressor(s) and it might be too much to handle on their own…too much to process, let alone, heal. They may feel bombarded with too many  nightmares they have lived growing up.

And that is the part of her job that she loves…being there at a moment if and when the may feel ready to reach out and try and make some sense of their nightmares. Sifting through the memories and challenges together. She often feels like a silent sounding board but with a slight difference. “Kindness is language the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” Mark Twain

Maybe reaching adulthood actually means taking back what was rightfully theirs.

light finally shines
mysteries start to unravel
taking back the night

© tournesol ‘2019/12/07

Originally submitted at TournesolDansUnJardin

Posted in anxiety, Depression, Disordered eating, Grief, Mental Health

The Fifth Floor by Julie Oleszek (Review on a book on life, death and living)

The Fifth Floor by Julie Oleszek

A coming of age book geared to youths and adults of all ages. It this was classified under Young Adults, I would still certainly have read it because it interests me to stay “real” on issues that touch youths growing up.

Julie Oleszek’s first novel is a book that youths can relate to and any person of any age and especially who has experienced grief. I don’t want to say too much because the trials and tribulations of Anna, who is the ninth child of a family of ten are hers to discover along with the reader throughout this book. I think that is what I loved about this. I did not need to get a clinical analysis of why’s and underlying issues but rather to explore life, suffer, question and discover through Anna’s journey. I laughed when she was giggling and felt dizzy when her brother picked her up; I cried when she was hurt and I sulked when she was ignored. It is clear to me that “feeling ignored” and “neglect” are extreme opposites. Julie paints the picture of a large family and all the hubbub that can go on. I feel overwhelmed yet curious and feel like I am eavesdropping during mealtime. We are nine only during family gatherings at my home, during the holidays, so seeing this three times a day as a daily routine feels totally overwhelming to me. Who gets to eat enough and who feels guilty for wanting a second helping!

Perhaps it is the youth counsellor in me that appreciates “hearing Anna’s own narrative”. Maybe it is just having lived a long life and relating to so many paths Anna has crossed along her journey. I can smell the grass when Anna plays outside and see her world upside down when hanging from the swings. Her narrative is real and touches your heart!

I can’t say more…like the Velveteen Rabbit, the reader falls in love with little Anna and that relationship is cemented throughout the ten years she is growing up.

This book is not just one person’s story about struggling with disordered eating. No unhealthy ways of coping are a one size fits all. Whether it is self-harm, disordered eating or addiction, each person experiences their own unique challenges in ways they can to survive.  Anna survives for many years until she learns to “live” and smell the grass again and hear the birds sign.

This book is also about life…death is part of it and grief is a process touching everyone in its unique way and in its unique time. I recommend this book anyone working with youths and teenagers and to try and notice the delicate balancing act a youth is faced with when faced with death; a youth grieves throughout their entire childhood and does not stop at adulthood but many layers that weigh a person is lessened over time. One does not “get over” a loss but goes through this process. Over time, they learn to live and move forward despite their loss.

(c) Cheryl-Lynn Roberts ‘2019/12/07

You can purchase this book at Julie Oleszek’s website or at Amazon.ca, Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk

Posted in Did you know?, Mental Health, suicide

World Suicide Prevention Day – September 10, 2019

World Suicide Prevention Day – September 10, 2019

 

 

 

Mental illness is something we are  talking more and more about but it’s still not enough! People of all ages especially the most vulnerable…youths and young adults need to hear the message loud and clear that mental health is as important as physical health.  One does not go without the other. If you are stressed about something for long periods of time, we know how that impacts on your physical health, right? And yet, how many people delay or never go to see a professional about this?  Too many and that is mostly due to the stigma.

I think the media is helping even though their main goal may be to get more readers, increase viewers or listeners but still, admittedly, it helps A LOT!  And if it can save one life…it is worth it!

When I hear of a suicide, it makes me feel we have failed as a society and yes, often as professionals …but that is an emotional reaction and not a rational one.

 

Light a Candle

Light a Candle near a Window at 8:00 P.M. September 10th to show your support for suicide prevention, to remember a lost loved one, and for the survivors of suicide.

stjosephpulse.com

 

On Tuesday, September 10th it is World Suicide Prevention Day.  It is an international candle ceremony that will be taking place all over the world, in homes, at work, on line.  For some it will be your way of remembering a loved one and friends who are survivors of suicide. My heart goes out to you.   I know you carry your love and your loss of someone “who matters” forever!

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have shared this story before but it is still one that struck me on how one person can make a difference in the life another…saving a life:

A young boy, teen, called thinking seriously of suicide.  He had been depressed for quite some time and he had a plan. After talking for quite some time,  he began feeling there just “may” be hope. At the end of the call, I asked him how he heard about the phone service.  “Oh, a buddy of mine slipped a tab from a Smarties box in my pocket without my knowing.  I just happened to find it tonight.”  (Youth line is printed on most Nestlé products).  So if you have a helpful link or resource to share with a friend, DO IT, you just never know how important that action could be…may even save a life and in the very least, offer hope.

Sometimes just smiling at a person waiting in line at the subway, grocery store or bank can make a difference not only in that person’s day but their life too!

 

 

 

Today, September 10th, take a moment to show someone they matter…your smile, your gesture translates in all languages: “You matter!”

© Cheryl-Lynn ‘19/09/10

 

 

Important links:

Suicide Action Montreal

Kids Help Phone – Jeunesse Jécoute

Canadian Association of Mental Health (CAMH)
Take 5 To Save Lives 
Suicide Prevention Australia 
Suicide Prevention in Canada 
Suicide Prevention London UK

International Association of Suicide Prevention IASP

Crisistextline.org  Canada, UK, South Africa, Ireland, USA

 

 

Posted in anxiety, Compassion, Depression, Grief, Self-care, Sexual assault, Stigma Talks, Tournesol whispers, troiku

all in a day’s work (troibun) daily moments May 17 2019

 

Today was the day she was having a minor surgery on her big toe.  Oh boy, she could not help but worry about the pain.  She really hates pain. She has been tolerating it throughout her body for decades but her big toe…oh my, that was such an acute pain.  She remembers when she was pregnant for her second child, she had a plantar wart under her big toe.  Her doctor tried to remove it unsuccessfully with dry ice…OUCH…burrrrn!! Then she heard about a surgeon at a local hospital did this regularly. Why not?  It would be over and done with for good since surgically the doctor would see the root of that sucker. 

The needle to freeze her was brutal and the doctor lacked compassion. The weeks following were very uncomfortable.  She could feel her heart beating in her big TOE!  Thankfully she had her two-year-old son who brought a cane to her when she needed to get up. He was such a great helper all throughout her pregnancy.

Now today she kept thinking of that damn needle and it worried her. So what do you do when you have 5 hours to kill? — clean the apartment. May as well get it ship shape so when she returned if she needed to keep her foot UP, her place would be tidy and dust free.

She really liked her podiatrist.  Last year when she was on the verge of burning out and her work refused her doctor’s letter for time off…she would go for a pedicure and cry throughout the appointment.

Today, she felt she would not need that kind of support and she felt much stronger emotionally. Nah, she would not be crying today.

The podiatrist pricked her toe once, twice and then three times. It hurt but she did it slowly, just like her dentist does.  Yeah, she is special. After twenty minutes, the podiatrist returns ready to snip away but she could feel the knife…nope, one more needle here and then one more there.  After a few minutes she tried and nope, the bugger still felt pain. Darn!  After two more shots, she finally was able to get it done. And yes, her toe is quite big!

During the procedure she talked about how her work had celebrated a 30-year anniversary last night and yet she felt sad. She had read about a young boy who had ended his life despite having given all his friends virtual messages that he would no longer be in this world.  His friends told their parents, but nothing was done.  She could not help but think of him yesterday when they were cutting that anniversary cake. Somehow it did not feel celebratory.

Suddenly, she felt tears running down her cheeks. The podiatrist asked her if she may be suffering from PTSD hearing so many traumatic stories.  “No,” she said, “I think today I was thinking of my friend whose son took his life 19 years ago today.  I met her over ten years ago and I find when it is personal, close to me, it is harder to set boundaries.”

As she was doing her “thing” or “magic” on her big toe, she was thinking about Adam. Gee, 19 years ago is when she started working at this helpline. People often tell her how great it is what she  does for a living.  She cannot help thinking of the ones who did not make it and hope there will be a time where there is not one ounce of stigma on mental health. She dreams of a time where a complete medical check up includes a mental health check up and that when a youth misses school for a week or two or even months for mental health reasons, it is not misjudged but treated by society as a broken leg that gets treated,  goes through physical rehab and in time gets strong and sturdy again.  And for those fractures that may cause rheumatism and long-term treatment, that too will not be criticized.

After big toe procedure completed, she limped to the pharmacy to get some items and on her way back to the bus stop, she noticed her bandage somehow, just flew off in the wind. Good thing the bus came early!  What a day!

Looking back on her day, she wonders if perhaps her work may be pulling on her heartstrings more and more in the past few years.  The productivity is so overwhelming that now there may be casualties on both sides of the lines.

playing catch-up
only keeping them at bay
putting out fires

playing catch-up
“Hello, how can I help you?”
twenty wait in queue

only keeping them at bay
child abuse, grief, depression,
suicide taunts them

putting out fires
spreading like wildfire
one at a time

Who can see
beyond the flames?
hell populates

© Tournesol ‘19/05/17

Daily moments all in a day’s work Troibun May 17 2019

 

 

 
Posted in Did you know?

Trust your instincts Haibun

They called her Wolf Girl on the psych ward at the hospital . No one had been able to approach her …much. She was like a wild animal. If you came too close to her, she would howl; if she was hungry she would stand at your table, looking at your tray with the puppy dog eyes, no one could refuse her. The staff was curious about her but all, without exception, fell in love with her especially when she would curl up into a ball in the fetus position on the centre of her bed…thumb in mouth, lights ON. If ever a staff member felt pity for anyone sleeping with those bright neon lights and turned it off in her room, she would sit up, howling, eyes wide, holding on to her blanket for dear life. 

Her name was Torey.  Child services brought her in 3 months ago to Emergency for a check up and after examination by doctors as well as the psycho-educator in chief, they assumed she would get her discharge no later than 3 days (which was customary in “those” cases). But she never got that release and Dr. Shelley, the Psycho-Educator in chief would not release her. She had a different reason at each court hearing…this last one was selective mutism, and that this youth was sexually assaulted multiple times for years.

Torey was 11 by now but what did,   “hell did multiple times for years” even mean?  Dr. Shelley just knew that this child should NOT be placed in foster care without guarantees she would be safe.   The system had failed her in the past when this child had put her trust in adults who should have kept her safe.  Dr. Shelley knew there were NO such guarantees.  She  took it upon herself to ensure she remain the ward of the court and in the children’s psychiatric ward indefinitely.  She had hope that some day soon, she just may make a breakthrough. Torey may decide to talk.

It was December 24th,  three and a half months since Torey’s admission, and she was in her daily interview with Dr. Shelley. This therapist had a unique approach with youths with selective mutism.  Her past 10 years of experience working solely with teens who had autism spectrum had given her a new skill…EEP.  Her colleagues, mostly professors at the local university scoffed at her when she said it was actually a skill that had to be learned with working with “exceptional” youths.  EEL stands for Exceptional Empathetic Listening skills.  Dr. Shelley had a knack of drawing out the most difficult and resistant child into trusting her enough to start talking…even if it was one hour a day, that was a miracle in many cases she had worked on.

Torey was different. She was brilliant. She had a way of knowing what adults were thinking and what they needed. This is how they discovered her exceptional talent or sixth sense you. 

One day, Nurse Grant, who had been working on the pediatric ward on the psychiatric section for 20 years,  walked on the floor with a limp wearing tinted glasses.  Staff all inquired with sympathy what had happened to her over the weekend and she just brushed them off with a, “Ah just clumsy old me bumped into the glass bus shelter. With the darn sleet and snow mingled, I could not see an inch in front of me and I banged the corner of my left eye and slipped and sprained my ankle. Enough said, no need for pity from anyone, so I got these glasses to avoid your mushy sad looks. Now ya’ll get to work!”  She did have a bit of a bark and everyone went back to work. No one asked her again and most of the staff avoided looking at her in the eye…or rather, glasses…except for Torey.  She looked at her suspiciously, sucking her thumb. She circled around her looking up at her and raised her eyebrow. 

Then she followed Nurse Grant into the nurse’s lobby and sat right next to her on the couch while she sipped her coffee. Torey looked up and did the most surreal thing…she spoke! “He gave it to you, didn’t he?” she said  in a raspy voice. Nurse Grant almost spilled her coffee and looked at Torey wide eye, in shock.

“What are you talkin’ about young lady?!”

But Torey did not balk nor did she feel intimidated by Nurse Grant’s harsh tone.  She just looked up at her with those puppy dog eyes and gave Nurse Grant a hug, whispering in her ear, “I know what them do to you.”

Nurse Grant froze at first, then relinquished to this precious moment because she had a feeling that Torey did, in fact, know.  Torey’s compassion melted her heart.

Later that afternoon, Dr. Shelley was advised about Torey’s first spoken words in private by Nurse Grant who had to come clean of her own personal circumstances. 

Dr. Shelley, called Torey to her office.

“Well, now, Torey. You certainly gave us a bit of a surprise today and I have to say a very nice surprise. I want to thank you.” 

Torey had arrived arms crossed, ready to keep her silence but was cut off guard when Dr. Shelley was thanking her.  She dropped her arms to her side and raised an eyebrow and waited…she was the prize of detectives…she had to know for sure…

Dr. Shelley continued, “Torey, Nurse Grant has been in an abusive relationship for years and no one but no one has ever had the courage to confront her and plead with her to get out and to a safer environment. Today, Nurse Grant came up to me asking to live in the nurses’ quarters for the night staff temporarily until she finds a new apartment.  I want to thank you for doing something not one counsellor, nurse, doctor or psychologist was able to do until you did.”

Torey stared at her, sizing what she had just heard, and took her usual seat in front of Dr. Shelly’s arm chair and said, “Yeah, well, it’s about time she left that f…..g loser. She deserves better.”

That was the first session Torey felt she could trust Dr. Shelley and started disclosing the sexual abuse she had been exposed to by her father from the age of 7 to 10 and the abuse in foster care the months following her removal from her home.





Trust had to be earned.  Torey was not fool enough to trust just anyone; she knew who could be trusted and she chose to speak to Nurse Grant because she saw an ally…a soldier in the fight against abuse  in her.  As for Dr. Shelley, well, Torey, knew she had an exceptional way of listening and she was just waiting for the right moment to feel she could actually trust her.

the frog tries to help
a scorpion cross the river
an act of kindness

halfway to the other side
scorpion shows its true nature

smell cunning cruelty
even words soaked in honey
instincts are wiser

©Tournesol 2016

Originally posted at Tournesoldansunjardin

Posted in Chronic Pain, Depression, Homelessness, Mental Health, poetry, Stigma Talks, Tournesol whispers

does the universe even care

      
 
mid-season blues 
like summer draughts that bring despair 
does the universe even care? 
 
summer love that has to end 
saying goodbye in September 
broken hearts and stolen dreams 
lovers mourn in muted screams 
wishing they would not remember 
 
autumn in its amber shades 
masking truths too hard to bear 
does the universe even care? 
 
school becomes a new distraction 
mothers scrimping for more pennies 
children’s shoes will not endure 
humbled with their meagre meal 
peanut butter spread too thin 
 
mid-season blues 
like summer draughts that bring despair 
does the universe even care? 
 
October ends in farce and fury 
poverty clothed in Halloween 
witches taunting mockingly  
nary a princess or a queen 
dreading winter, parents worry 
 
mid-season blues 
like summer draughts that bring despair 
does the universe even care? 
 
December heaves a downy blanket 
void of presents and empty cupboards 
January weighs a thousand woes 
hungry bellies and frozen toes 
housing they cannot afford 
 
mid-season blues 
like summer draughts that bring despair 
does the universe even care? 
 
social services cannot keep up 
greedy leaders just turn away 
their pockets lined with children's dreams 
parents working night and day 
politics drowning all their screams 
 
mid-season blues 
like summer draughts that bring despair 
does the universe even care? 
 
blindly seeking for a break 
depression hovers constantly 
winter nearing to an end 
melancholy lurking silently 
hiding spring’s utopia 
 
mid-season blues 
like summer draughts that bring despair 
does the universe even care? 
 
bound in darkness and despair 
breaking through with fiery rage 
some may find an ounce to share 
fill them with ample courage 
reaching out to one who cares 
 
mid-season blues 
like summer draughts that bring despair 
someone out there really cares! 
 
© Cheryl-Lynn ‘19-01-23  
originally posted at TournesolDansUnJardin  https://cheryllynnroberts.
info/2019/01/23/does-the-universe-even-care/


http://www.crisisservicescanada.ca/en/  Adults  1-833-456-4566 
For residents in Quebec 1-866-APPELLE   (1-866-277-3553) 
 
Kids Help Phone – Jeunesse Jécoute - Youths and young adult 
www.kidshelpphone.ca  www.jeunessejecoute.ca  1 800 668 6868  
 
USA https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  1-800-273-8255 
Posted in Did you know?, Haibun, Mental Health, senryû, Tournesol whispers

Loving a person with BPD

It’s not easy struggling with BorderlinePersonalityDisorder and along with that often comes other mental health issues.  What is difficult is not getting a proper diagnosis…once that is achieved, the recovery starts.  

So many professionals are not skilled or knowledgeable to help persons with this condition. Too many medical professionals overmedicate them to silence them.  Once in a blue moon, they will find a compassionate and knowledgeable therapist who gets it and many times that is where the healing begins. 

Yet, there are many who never want to get help and see the world as having the problem and not them.  They don’t understand why family and friends often withdraw…sometimes to save themselves, other times because they just do not understand.  Most of the time it is because they feel awkward and ridden with guilt for not succeeding in making this person happy.  Too many times they feel it is their responsibility to maintain this person’s equilibrium and happiness. 

Loving a person with this condition is not so hard. Love is love, right? You love with the good and the bad and the in between.  It is the self-preservation that takes time to access.  It takes a while before you realize it is not always your fault that your friend, lover, sister, brother, cousin, mother or father are upset with you.  In fact, it rarely has anything to do with you. 

It takes so much energy though.  It is so exhausting!   When you actually love this person, you ache inside. When this person is confronting you, you are shaking many times and wondering what you could have done better…sooner. 

It is a wheel of constant confusion, suffering, guilt and when he or she is happy with you, you feel so good inside but you are still wary of when the axe will fall once more on your head for not being the person he or she needs and expects you to be. 

 echoes  
of discontent
haunt her

I love you, I hate you
you abandoned me
again


heart squeezes
head spins
still no answers

It is a win/lose situation until… 

(c) Tournesol ‘ 19/01/05

Posted in Mental Health, Reflections, senryû

misunderstood (troiku)

innuendos 

mixed messages 

guilt ridden 

 

drives one crazy !!

 

innuendos 

brewing questions 

so much guilt 

 

drives one crazy!! 

 

mixed messages 

unfinished texts 

crafty and skilled 

 

drives one crazy!! 

 

guilt ridden 

peppered with niceties 

plastic and fake 

 

 drives one crazy!!

 

all a ruse 

crafted to dig 

heartstrings torn to shreds 

 

never ENDs

 (c) Tournesol ’18/11/07

Posted in anxiety, Chronic Pain, Depression, Mental Health, narrative

Emily, Take One (1)

 

Image may contain: one or more people and close-up

Worrying, ruminating, obsessively imagining scenarios, procrastinating because of those unfounded scenarios and then you finally do what you have to do after spending days or maybe weeks imagining all sorts of “what if’s” and it all turns out just fine!  Boy, that really bugs her when she does that.  Does that happen to you too sometimes?

Emily calls it overthinking, daydreaming of things that escalate  into screenplays that keep her awake and during the day on her days off from work leave her paralyzed.

Lately, Emily has been trying to observe her thinking patterns more, such as what starts that tiny thought that turns into a saga.   So far she is noticing  that the worrying or dwelling is getting worse and she is not appreciating the “present” enough.   She avoids seeing people who may upset her and make me feel guilty about any passed decisions. She does not really avoid friends but she doesn’t reach out  to them much either and she knows that is silly because she knows many of her friends would drop everything to be there for her if she asked them. So why the hell does she do this to herself?!

Today she called her friend who flew from overseas and she made travel arrangements to see her on the weekend. She will be seeing another friend in the same city as well.   After she hung up the phone after speaking to her friend, she felt so pumped!! It was as if she  had just had an shot of serotonin.  Really! She was dancing and singing and jumping.  She was so happy and relieved to be  getting out of her cocoon.

And yet, here she is, two days after that same phone call to her friends, calling to work sick because she just could not get out of bed due to migraines and chronic joint pain.   She had only worked one day but with all the changes to her work, she is wondering now…for the past five years if her doctor is not “a bit” right in suggesting she retire.

Emily still has so much drive to go out in the world and still work…either teach or anything that has to do with people.  She is actually a people person.  Also she cannot afford to retire yet since she has not had the chance to put much money aside and has no company pension.  Living off the government pension will be surviving but no more travelling ever.  She still wants o visit so many places.

Is it possible some of her problems have to do with her work?  And yet, Emily doubts that since she knows she has had bouts of withdrawing even when she was younger and working elsewhere but she did not miss work then.  Also her work helps her get her mind off all the past decisions her children blame her.  No, it is not just her work but what her work once provided a workaholic, her nature may not have the same stamina it once had.  What to do?

Emily has always felt she did not fit anywhere.  Growing up she was faced with being told over and over that  “her kind” had no place here.  Even in her family she often felt displaced.  If you thought differently than the rest of the family you were judged, teased or criticized. That part will never change, so it is Emily’s job to not react to it or just steer away, but how do you steer away from people you love?

Her first trip on her own far from her family was eye opening.  She could see there was so much to discover and since then she has always felt one foot in her current home and the other ready to run off somewhere but where?

This is where she is now, contemplating on what to do, how to do it and when?  Have you ever felt this way before?  If you have, how do you manage those thoughts that take over your life?

(c) Clr ’18

Posted in Dementia, Mental Health, Stigma Talks, video

A word about World Suicide Prevention Day

Mural street art – Montréal Clr’13

Another glorious day, he thought, looking out the window when he pulled his thick drapes in his studio.   Shuffling to the kitchen to make his coffee, the same thoughts come flooding his mind.

“Yep, today, I need to get out. I need to pump air in the tires of my bike and get off my butt and greet the world!!”  He snickers at that thought, picking up his laptop and sits in the darkness of his studio apartment.  He knows he will probably not go out…again.  He will probably not do much but sit, read the feeds on social media and try to distract the gnawing voices in his head that weigh so heavily on his spirit…

Sound familiar?  Been there, you are thinking, bobbing your head?  If you know someone may be going through something like that, send them a friendly text…just a heart or two maybe…tell them they matter before it’s too late.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day (WSPD).

[…It is estimated that each day in Canada, 11 people end their life and 210 make a suicide attempt.”] read more here -SuicidePrevention

Suicide is very inclusive.  Did you know that?  It includes anyone regardless of age, culture and socio-economic status.  A person can be loved by friends and family, have good grades in school or college, have a great job and still become another tragic statistic.

So today, think of something you can do for WorldSuicidePreventionDay (WSPD)…like the link says above , take just one minute to do something…share a story, an awareness post, call a friend, text a friend…just one minute.

I am ending with a song that has saved many lives. My friend, Sue, shared this song in memory of her son, Adam.

©Cheryl-Lynn Roberts 2017/09/10

CMHACanadian Mental Health Association

Canadian Crisis Centres – resources and helplines

Canadian Crisis Centres – resources and helplines

National Suicide Hotline U.S.A.

Kids Help Phone – Canada

Child Helplines around the world

 

“Adam’s Song”

I never thought I’d die alone
I laughed the loudest who’d have known?
I trace the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine I didn’t think enough
I’m too depressed to go on
You’ll be sorry when I’m gone

[Chorus:]
I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn’t wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we’d survived
I couldn’t wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I’d die alone
Another six months I’ll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You’ll never step foot in my room again
You’ll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

[Chorus:]
I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn’t wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we’d survived
I couldn’t wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
But tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can’t wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I’ve survived
I can’t wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone